I’m about to head to Vegas this weekend and will be attending part of #ZorkFest and meandering in and out of 360 Vegas Vacation 6 #360VV6. But mostly I’ll be drunk at a pool. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (oontz oontz OONTZ oontz and cats and dogs and cats and dogs and…)
ANYWHO… I suspect some of you may be going to Vegas for the first time and/or need a reminder on some things to do and not do if you want Vegas to like you on your next visit…because unless you’re a soulless prude, there WILL be a return:
WALK FASTER DAMN IT
This one is easy. But listen folks, I get it. There is lots to see in Vegas. You want to stop and look. You’re happy with your friends so you might slow your glide to a glacial pace as you talk and laugh. You feel bonded with these people so you link arms or side-hug. I totally get it. Vegas does that to people. AWWWWWW… but… GET THE EVER-LIVING FUCK OUT OF THE WAY…or maybe walk faster. Some of us vets have places to go, people to see, and gambling to do. Thanks.
Collect porn slapper cards
…and then make a stack…maybe put them into “teams” like baseball player cards. Add a ribbon? Sure why not. Then take them back as gifts to friends and co-workers. Most creative Vegas gift ever. You are WELCOME!
Be diverse
Inclusion is the “IT” thing now. But I’m not talking about race and ethnic relations or gender equality. I mean, vary up your food and drink choice, your casino visits, your favorite games. The joy of Vegas is based on options. Try something different. Especially if you’re new to Vegas, you will want to stick to the really cheap beer you drink at home. But places like Banger Brewery exist for you to try something new in town. So, don’t get stuck in a rut newbie or vet. Commit to something new so Vegas knows you like its new hairdo.
Vegas cares very little about your marriage
Well, I’m sure they are happy for you. But jeez folks…maybe mention your recent nuptials at check-in and hope for a nice room upgrade, but people that scour the city looking for freebies for the b-day or other special event are wasting valuable Vegas time. Sure there are some deals out there; but find one or two that matter, do them, and move on. One free Michelob Ultra (**GAG**) is not worth the begging. That said, use coupons and find discounted deals like a boss. Take what Vegas offers but don’t get all greedy and such. 🙂
Leave Vegas as you found it
Speaking of weddings, I’ll end with a heartwarming story. I saw a nice young bride wandering the Strip one early evening latched on to what I would hope was her new hubby. She was a tad drunk. I heard her say she was afraid she would not “make it” down the escalator right outside The Cromwell. Of course standing right behind her, I jimmied my way back five or ten steps. Southern gent after all. Well, she made it! (whew!) but then immediately vomited on the sidewalk. Besides the absolute love seen in her hubby Jethro’s eyes at the site of young Delilah puking up a morning’s worth of Mai Tais (“that thurr is mah laydee!”) and the pure class of wiping her mouth with the lacy sleeze of her wedding dress, I had a moment of happiness when I saw her walk inside and grab a water from a cocktail waitress, come outside and pour it on the puke to wash away her sins. Good job young lady. GOOD. JOB.
So, moral of the story is…be nice to Vegas and Vegas will gladly have you back. I look forward to meeting some of you soon. But remember I’m an introvert so don’t get too handsy or all loud and in my space or you might get backhanded. Love and kisses…me.
